I watched you...
I watched you ever since I was a little girl.
I watched you wake up with the sun, tend to your garden, check each rose on your rose bush individually. I watched you smell the petals and smile. I watched you make breakfast for yourself, granddaddy, and for me (scrambled eggs, bacon and toast...it’s still my go-to) I watched you pile your eggs on top of your toast and eat it like a taco. I watched you clean up the crumbs from your toast in such a specific way, using your ring finger. I watched you stare out of your kitchen window while you washed dishes, I listened to you hum along to a Patsy Cline song. I watched you paint your nails. I watched you dance while you checked on your plants. I watched you wave to your neighbors when you got the mail. I watched you smile when I asked you to watch a movie with me. I watched you get ready for church. I watched you get ready for bed. I watched you enjoy the silence when granddaddy went to sleep for the night. I watched your mischievous grin when you let me stay up way too late. I watched you make the best late-night ham sandwich I’ve ever had, still to this day. I watched you cut it down the middle, and we’d split it as we watched our favorite show (CSI Las Vegas) I’d watch you walk out to the garage, grab a Coke and pour it into two tiny glasses for us to share (“shhh don’t tell granddaddy”) I watched you hold my hand, I watched you cover us with a blanket and I’d sometimes watch you fall asleep.
I watched you.
I watched you get older, I watched you get smaller. I watched you get frustrated when you couldn’t remember something. I watched you get mad when you couldn’t find that thing you just had. I watched you get sad when you realized you had already told me that story before (I’d still listen to it 100 more times) I watched you pace around, with your left arm bent over your head while holding it with your right arm (I still catch myself walking around like that when I’m overthinking)
I watched you go into a home.
I watched you dance to live music. I watched you stick your tongue out at the “mean girls”...I watched you have fun despite what others may have thought of you. I watched you light up when I’d come visit you. I watched you move to another unit, a memory care unit. I watched you become quieter. I watched you take smaller steps. I watched you lose the ability to feed yourself. I watched you lose the ability to say full sentences. I watched your eyes get SO BIG when I’d come in to have dinner with you and help feed you yours. I watched a big smile appear on your face when I would yell “hey pretty lady!!!!”
I watched you eat more of your dessert than your actual food because let’s face it, dessert is always better. I watched you squeeze my hand when you were trying to tell me something. I watched you look into my eyes countless times and just smile. We didn’t need words. I watched you transition into a wheelchair. I watched you get even smaller. I watched you wear MY fuzzy socks but it was fine because they looked better on you anyway...
I watched you get moved to a new home.
I watched you get treated like family by new care givers. I watched them love you and talk to you how you deserve to be loved and talked to. I watched them give you your very own room. I watched them make you a part of their family. I watched you push through colds, broken bones, hospital visits, and now a pandemic (from a distance of course)
But then I heard you weren’t doing well...so I watched you a little closer. I watched you sleep. I watched you toss and turn. I watched you squeeze my hand. I watched you fight. I watched you open your eyes one last time to look at me, and I watched you close them.
I’ve been watching for a very long time...and I can tell you this, without a doubt in my mind: You, Jeanie, my grandma...were phenomenal. You were the most adventurous, bravest, kindest, free spirited, feistiest, dedicated, loyal, hard working woman on the planet...I am proud to be your granddaughter. I’m proud to know that the fire within me, came from you.
I will think of you during every sunrise, whenever I hear the crackles in Rice Krispies cereal, whenever I smell fresh cut grass in the spring, whenever I hear a Johnny Cash song, whenever I see a rose and in every quiet moment...
I will miss you forever, and a day.
I love you, pretty girl.
*alexa, play “I fall to pieces” by patsy cline*
