A Tribute to my Granddad...

My granddad...passed away on February 1, 2021.
Exactly 2 weeks, to the day, after my grandmother passed.
I suppose he just couldn't stand to be away from her another second.
My granddad was my favorite person on the planet. And I know that I was his...
The news of his passing, shattered me. Completely destroyed me, and I truly believe that I will never be the same.
Below, are the words I've written, to be read at his funeral.
I don't have the strength to read them out loud, though I've tried many times and have failed to make it through the first sentence...thankfully, I'm able to pass them on to be read for me.

My granddad and I shared a very special bond.
So close in fact, that he would often say to me me, that when he passed, he’d like for me to be the one who spoke at his funeral because i’d be the only one who has anything nice to say.
However, little does he know, that’s far from the truth. I’ve received so many messages over the past several days from people, friends even, who I didn’t know even knew who my granddad was. Every single one of them had nothing but positive things to say; the most positive and moving thing that was shared with me, was “he saved my life.”
He saved mine too, in more ways than one.
He didn’t always know how to show his emotions, or his love, and Lord knows he was not the best at communicating his feelings, or just in general. That’s why I feel lucky to have had the bond that we had, because we just got each other. I was the only one who could talk back to him (and not get in trouble for it) he would dish it out and I’d serve it right back…and he would laugh and give me a wink. Recently, at my grandmother’s funeral, I said “I’m proud to know that the fire that burns within me, came from her”…well, I’m proud that the spark, that lights that fire, came from my granddad. 
My heart is broken, completely shattered…and though I know time heals everything, I don’t see my heart going back to the way it was. My granddad took a large piece of it with him that I’ll never get back.

I’ll hold the all of the stories that he told me close to my heart. 
I’ll remember the advice he always shared with me when we were alone.
And I’ll keep our memories locked away, safe, inside my memory until we meet again.
I’ll miss him forever…I’ll love him always.

A Tribute to my Grandma...

I watched you...

I watched you ever since I was a little girl. 

I watched you wake up with the sun, tend to your garden, check each rose on your rose bush individually. I watched you smell the petals and smile. I watched you make breakfast for yourself, granddaddy, and for me (scrambled eggs, bacon and toast...it’s still my go-to) I watched you pile your eggs on top of your toast and eat it like a taco. I watched you clean up the crumbs from your toast in such a specific way, using your ring finger. I watched you stare out of your kitchen window while you washed dishes, I listened to you hum along to a Patsy Cline song. I watched you paint your nails. I watched you dance while you checked on your plants. I watched you wave to your neighbors when you got the mail. I watched you smile when I asked you to watch a movie with me. I watched you get ready for church. I watched you get ready for bed. I watched you enjoy the silence when granddaddy went to sleep for the night. I watched your mischievous grin when you let me stay up way too late. I watched you make the best late-night ham sandwich I’ve ever had, still to this day. I watched you cut it down the middle, and we’d split it as we watched our favorite show (CSI Las Vegas) I’d watch you walk out to the garage, grab a Coke and pour it into two tiny glasses for us to share (“shhh don’t tell granddaddy”) I watched you hold my hand, I watched you cover us with a blanket and I’d sometimes watch you fall asleep. 

I watched you. 

I watched you get older, I watched you get smaller. I watched you get frustrated when you couldn’t remember something. I watched you get mad when you couldn’t find that thing you just had. I watched you get sad when you realized you had already told me that story before (I’d still listen to it 100 more times) I watched you pace around, with your left arm bent over your head while holding it with your right arm (I still catch myself walking around like that when I’m overthinking) 

I watched you go into a home. 

I watched you dance to live music. I watched you stick your tongue out at the “mean girls”...I watched you have fun despite what others may have thought of you. I watched you light up when I’d come visit you. I watched you move to another unit, a memory care unit. I watched you become quieter. I watched you take smaller steps. I watched you lose the ability to feed yourself. I watched you lose the ability to say full sentences. I watched your eyes get SO BIG when I’d come in to have dinner with you and help feed you yours. I watched a big smile appear on your face when I would yell “hey pretty lady!!!!” 

I watched you eat more of your dessert than your actual food because let’s face it, dessert is always better. I watched you squeeze my hand when you were trying to tell me something. I watched you look into my eyes countless times and just smile. We didn’t need words. I watched you transition into a wheelchair. I watched you get even smaller. I watched you wear MY fuzzy socks but it was fine because they looked better on you anyway... 

I watched you get moved to a new home. 

I watched you get treated like family by new care givers. I watched them love you and talk to you how you deserve to be loved and talked to. I watched them give you your very own room. I watched them make you a part of their family. I watched you push through colds, broken bones, hospital visits, and now a pandemic (from a distance of course)

But then I heard you weren’t doing well...so I watched you a little closer. I watched you sleep. I watched you toss and turn. I watched you squeeze my hand. I watched you fight. I watched you open your eyes one last time to look at me, and I watched you close them. 

I’ve been watching for a very long time...and I can tell you this, without a doubt in my mind: You, Jeanie, my grandma...were phenomenal. You were the most adventurous, bravest, kindest, free spirited, feistiest, dedicated, loyal, hard working woman on the planet...I am proud to be your granddaughter. I’m proud to know that the fire within me, came from you. 

I will think of you during every sunrise, whenever I hear the crackles in Rice Krispies cereal, whenever I smell fresh cut grass in the spring, whenever I hear a Johnny Cash song, whenever I see a rose and in every quiet moment...

I will miss you forever, and a day. 

I love you, pretty girl. 

*alexa, play “I fall to pieces” by patsy cline* 

The big C-word.

Welcome back everyone!
Thanks for sticking with me.
Today, I've decided to write about something that's still very new to me so I'm still learning new information, however, writing is how I handle/cope/process things, plus I'm able to keep all of you updated on what's new with me!
I think we can all agree, that the year 2020 can go straight to Hell.

I know for myself personally, this year specifically has been a drag.
I will dive into that more another time however, this year can kiss my ass personally because not only did it decide to throw a pandemic into our lives, it decided to give me cancer.
Yes.
The big C word.
Cancer.
I recently was diagnosed with something called: Hurthel cell thyroid cancer.
So yea, 2020 can go fuck itself.

(I'm not apologizing for my language)

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My health hasn’t always been great. If you know me, and know me well, I get sick a lot, if there’s a cold going around, I’ll get it eventually (Murphy’s Law)
Over the past year and a half, maybe a little longer, I’ve noticed my neck seeming “bulky” or bigger/wider than normal. Friends started pointing it out, then family, and one day I started feeling around my neck and felt lumps on both sides, in the front, as well as in the back. Not only was I experiencing lumps in my neck, I was having pain swallowing, hoarseness in my voice, I had a persistent cough that would not go away for MONTHS, and to those of you who still spent time with me during that cough,
I APPLAUD YOU
because trust me, I know, it was the most annoying thing in the world.
No matter what I did...cough drops, tea, medicine, diffusing oils...nothing worked.
I also started getting extra moody, I wasn't feeling like myself. I was tired ALL THE TIME.
(I still am)
 Moving on.
I had a doctors appointment to discuss something that didn't have anything to do with my neck, but before I left, I asked my doctor to look at my neck and see if anything looked strange to her.
Lo and behold...she agreed that not only did my neck "look weird" but it did feel different and she also felt lumps while feeling around my neck.
So my doctor scheduled an ultrasound, which I had done a few months ago, which had results that led to my doctor wanting to move forward with a biopsy.
Last week, on June 9th, I had a biopsy procedure done on my neck.
I had both sides tested due to having masses/nodules on my thyroids; one of them has grown significantly since my last ultrasound. My day started with getting tested for covid (don’t worry I tested negative, however I 10/10 would not recommend getting your brain scrubbed with that swab, it was not a good time) then unfortunately my day ended with tears (lots of them), blood, swelling and bruising.
This biopsy was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life; being awake while having gauged-needles shoved into your neck over and over again for over an hour to make sure they get the right sample or the exact amount that they need to test, sucked. I could not speak, eat, or swallow without feeling miserable.

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Three days later, on June 12th, I got my results back.
Way faster than I thought I was going to.

I’m happy to report that the nodules on the right side of my neck were benign, however, the left side was not. In fact, it came back positive for something called Hurthle cell thyroid cancer.
This is not the news I was expecting. This was not the news I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. It is very disheartening, I’m still in shock and learning to accept my new normal; it is still very surreal at the moment.
i'm still in processing-mode even though it's been a few days, however, that's normal for me because I've never been the best at processing big news.
I'm still experiencing pain in my neck when I talk and swallow (and sneeze and cough and laugh) however the bruising and swelling is gone for the most part which is FANTASTIC.
You know your bruising is bad when a stranger walks up to you in the store and asks you if "you're safe"...
God bless that woman.
But if that gives you some kind of idea of what I was dealing with, my neck was pretty gross looking.
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Fast forward to today, I'm meeting with an endocrinologist which honestly means nothing to me right now because I'm not exactly sure what to expect.
Like I said, this is all very new to me, and I'm still educating myself on the situation.
However, I'm looking forward to asking my questions (all 103 of them) and getting some answers.
I do believe we'll be discussing treatment plans today, as well as discussing surgery.
It's my understanding that I'll be needing some form of radiation before surgery, then after surgery I may need some chemotherapy. 
That's literally all I know...that's it.
So fingers crossed this appointment goes well and that I leave with a better understanding of what's going on with my body.

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If i could say anything to anyone right now, it would be to just be kind to everyone.
This world is a scary place right now and you never know what someone's dealing with in their personal life.
We all have something going on behind the scenes.
Be nice to one another.

If you were to look at me right now, I don't "look sick" but trust me, I feel awful.
i have felt this way for over a year, of just feeling worn down, exhaustion, bodyaches, etc.
My favorite thing to do right now is sleep...I am ALWAYS tired.
So for my friends reading this, please just know, if you want to see me/make plans with me and I turn them down, it's not because I don't want to see you, it's because my body needs/wants the rest.
Plus, as mentioned above, I'm still learning to process my new normal.
It's a lot to hear that you have some form of cancer.

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Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes of wanting to literally sleep all the time...

But no, seriously, thank you to those of you who have heard this news prior to this blog post and who have reached out and given their support.
It means more to me than you know.
And to those of you finding out through this blog, just know that I'm doing okay.
One day at a time.
I will continue to post updates on here, as well as continue to write about other things in-between.
in the meantime, I'm going to go kick cancer's ass.

xx 

10 Things You Might Not Know About Me

Hey everyone!

Welcome back :)

So I decided since I have some new followers, I would just do a quick "get to know me" post!

10 Things You Might Not Know About Me:

1. I was born in Maryland, raised in Pennsylvania, and I've lived in 3 different states over the past several years: Pennsylvania, Illinois (Chicago), and California (San Diego).
2. I went to six different schools growing up: South Hamilton, Hamilton Heights, Andrew Buchanan, CAMS, CVCS, and CASHS
   (my hometown people will know which schools I'm talking about)
   CVCS was a private school; it's where I ended up graduating from (2011). Even though I didn't always agree with what they were teaching, it was my favorite school that I attended, with my favorite teachers, and where I met some lifelong friends.
3. San Diego is my favorite city in the world. My goal is to move back there, hopefully sooner than later.
4. I'm a huge baseball and hockey fan! I love going to games; over-priced beer doesn't intimidate me.
5. Horror movies are my favorite. My top 5 are: Hereditary, The Evil Dead, The Conjuring (any movies that involve the mention of Ed & Lorraine Warren, deserve to be on this list), The Haunting in Connecticut, and As Above So Below.
6. I'm a Veteran. I was in the Navy, and I was stationed on the USS Preble DDG-88, then stationed on Coronado Island, at the North Island Naval Air Base.
7. After the Navy, I was a 911 dispatcher...I have many stories about that experience; some good, some bad, some funny, some sad; I'm sure one day there will be a post sharing a few.
8. I'm allergic to stupid random things such as: mushrooms, bananas, and possibly now peanuts because peanut butter has been giving me issues lately. I recently switched to almond butter, it tastes better anyways.
9. I have an older brother, his name is Adam. Adam has Aspergers Syndrome, which causes him to have problems with social interaction, which is why he comes off as shy to people when he first meets them. He is HFA which is high-functioning Aspergers; he went to school for graphic design, he's an amazing artist, he stutters when he gets excited about things (it makes me smile) and he's one of the smartest people I know on the planet. His favorite things to talk about are art and history. He also is a fan of horror movies.
10. I'm a total homebody. People usually have a hard time believing this one because I can come off as a social butterfly, especially at work since I'm a bartender...but I would rather stay home than go out. I guess you could say I'm an extroverted introvert, meaning I love to see my friends, I love grabbing a drink every once in a while, I love meeting new people and having conversation while I'm out, but I prefer to be at home with my dog.
    I love to just hang out. I'm a pretty laid-back person.
    Some might find that boring, which is fine...but that doesn't mean I'm never down to go do anything.
    I love trying new things and going new places...I just enjoy my time alone and my time at home.
    I like to save my energy, and recharge when needed.
    I love hanging out with Bo, taking naps, watching movies, reading, doing house-projects, cleaning (it's a stress reliever for me), and cooking.
    Which has made this quarantine somewhat easy for me (I still have my days don't get me wrong) but overall, I love being home.
    ---
    I feel like I could keep going on and on with that list...
    However, I'm sure I'll do this every once in a while and continue sharing new bits and pieces off info about me.
    So stay tuned!
    If you already knew these things, congratulations.
    If not, I hope you enjoyed getting to know me a little better!
    ---
    I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy during this crazy pandemic!
    Hopefully quarantine will be coming to an end soon.
    I'd like to take this time to remind everyone that once everything re-opens, that is not automatically a permission slip for you to act like an asshole.
    BE KIND!!!
    BE PATIENT!!
    Remember to cut some slack to your tattoo artists, hair stylists, nail techs, restaurant servers, bartenders, etc... 
    Everyone is working on rescheduling clients, and bartenders (me) are not going to put up with stupid shit just because you haven't been allowed into a facility where you can drink publicly for 8+ weeks.
    Show some respect, "don't bite the hand that feeds you" and all that jazz.
    ---
    Stay well everyone! 
    Until next time...

Here I am

Hello.

How appropriate is it, that my last post was 2 days ago, last year?
It's been a whole year since I've logged in, but I promise you, it has not been a whole year since I've written anything.
As mentioned in my last post, I previously took some time to focus on me and writing privately; which also so happens to be what I've been doing in the past year.
I guess some things never change and sometimes you just need to take a break.
Alas, I'm ready to get back out there with my public writing.
I hope you're ready to follow along on this adventure with me.
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A lot can happen in a year.
A lot.
And as much as I would love to just make a list showing you everything I've been up to over this past year, it's not that simple.
Which is why I think I decided to get back into blogging; to write it all in chapters.
Post by post, piece by piece, story by story.
Because isn't that what our lives are? Stories? With different chapters of our lives?
New beginnings, and endings.
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It's time to reconnect, with myself, my friends, with those of you who have been following the ins and outs of this blog for 5 years, and with those of you who only tune in every now and again to see if I've managed to get past this writers block.
Whoever you are, I appreciate you and I hope in some way or another, you can relate to what I have to say, connect with me, and learn about what makes me, me.
Also, holy shit, I can't believe I've been on blogger for 5 years.
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So hi :)
I'm back.
And I'm ready to dive in...
Stay tuned. 

I'm back and I'm here to stay...

Hello.

Welcome to This is Me...a blog that I started nearly 3 years ago, yet have not kept up with.

Alas, here I am attempting to bring it back to life because I feel that it deserves another chance.
As we all do in this life - deserve the chance to start over; start fresh and to be truly happy.

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Some of you who are reading this, I must say welcome BACK because a few of you have been with me and this blog since the beginning and some of you, you know who you are, have been pushing me to get back into writing. So here I am.

And thank you.

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I started this blog originally back in 2016 when I was living in California.
However, I'm currently back on the East Coast, living in my little hometown in PA.

At least for now, that will hopefully be changing soon...

See?

Now you have to stay tuned to see what my next adventure is going to be.

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Why did I stop posting before?
I think life comes at you fast, and sometimes you're ready for it; sometimes you're not.
I was not.
I chose to take time for myself...I focused more on private-writing in journals instead of using this blog publicly.
I chose to focus on self-care; which will come up numerous times in this blog I'm sure because I can't stress it enough how important it is to take care of yourself.

So that's what I was doing...
I was taking care of myself.

But now I'm back...and I'm here to stay.

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I want this blog to be raw.

I want this blog to be real.

I want this blog to cover MANY topics.
I want this blog to be a safe space and I want this blog to be open-minded.

My writing is not sugar-coated and rarely comes with an apology because this is where I speak my truth and this is where I feel able to let my thoughts flow freely.

If you choose to follow along, which I hope you do...

 I hope some posts inspire you. I hope some posts anger you. I hope some posts make you cry.
I hope some posts make you laugh!

 I hope some posts make you ask questions; whether it's to me or yourself.

I want this blog to help someone.

I want this blog to help me.
This blog will cover many topics, some being: family, friendships, relationships, traveling, love, heartbreak, milestones, my Navy experience, my dog Bo, and much more.
I want this to be a blog that you can visit where you feel welcomed and you feel "normal" because the topics I want to cover are typical-every-day things that we ALL go through.
I want my viewers and readers to feel at home when they're visiting my page.
I appreciate all of you for reading my first post.
Cheers to many more to come!

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Thanks for tuning in so far!
If you choose to follow along, buckle up, and follow me down the rabbit hole...

Until next time...

xx